the secret is out

I can't talk long, I've got to keep moving because they are after me. I've finally discovered the truth. I should have known all along. The stringy blond hair, the rheumy blue eyes, the bony chicken-neck, the freakish pituitary-giant body, the lack of reasoning powers, the violent hatred for most of the United States, the rabid rantings. The conservatives didn't execute a valuable soldier like Tim McVeigh. They gave him a hasty and really bad sex-change to disguise him somewhat and permit him to move freely through society spreading his virulent taint of hatred.

Yes, they turned Tim McVeigh into fugly twunt Ann Coulter.

Minnie babies!

Black baby, gray baby, gray tiger baby.

it's more bushit

With the third "journalist" being exposed for accepting payola from the government to pimp the administration's agenda, the president's comment was that it was all just "a mistake."

Sorry, George. One time is a mistake. Twice is incompetence. Three times? That's a modus operandi.

how many presidents are there?

Lockheed-Martin has won a bid to secure a deal to build a fleet of twenty-three presidential helicopters, a deal worth over six billion dollars. Twenty-three? Isn't that an awful lot of helicopters for one president? Why do we need a "fleet" of presidential helicopters? I can see seven or eight of them, but twenty-three? Six billion dollars?

Here's an idea. Get the fleet, but get eighteen of them instead of twenty-three. Use the rest of the money to save the Hubble Space Telescope.

Please.

Boxer balls

It's truly depressing to see that of all of the Democrats, Senator Barbara Boxer is the only one with any real testicles. Watching her fearlessly confront a visiblty seething, evil-eyed Condolleezza Rice at Rice's confirmation hearings was finally seeing the true face of America manifest itself in government. Her gutsy use of Rice's own words against herself, her willingness to say in so many words that Rice was guilty of playing both sides of the fence and contradicting herself and her administration, the gusto she exhibited in slapping Rice down when she protested that her "integrity" was being maligned, all of these make me think that this is exactly the kind of person that needs to be responsible for crafting and guiding the policy of the Democratic party. This is the kind of person that can show the conservatives what American values really are. Bravo, Barbara Boxer, you are the beacon that we need!

liar or idiot, no other options

In an interview with Pat Robertson on CBN where he viciously maligned the American college system, religious conservative author "Dr." Jim Black asserted that "As many as 70 percent of college students are sexually active today; as many as half of those, or more, have STD's and many of them don't know it."

So, according to "Dr." Black's figures, at least THIRTY-FIVE PERCENT of American college students have sexually transmitted diseases.

Why does the "liberal" media permit absurdities like this to go unchallenged?

REBONICS!

"Clear Skies Initiative"
"Healthy Forests"
"No Child Left Behind"
"Patriot Act"
"Moral Values"
"Social Security Reform"
"Judicial Activism"
"Tax Simplification"
"Fiscal Responsibility"
"Election Reform"
"Mission Accomplished"
"Operation Iraqi Freedom"
"Help America Vote Act"
"Liberal Media"
"Homeland Security"
"Out Of The Mainstream"
"Compassionate Conservative"
"Free Speech Zones"
"Frivolous Lawsuits"
"Electoral Mandate"
"Strict Constructionist"
"Support Our Troops"
"Catastrophic Success"
"Uniter, Not A Divider"

now it's clear

Reputedly closeted homosexual republican Representative David Dreier was explaining the new magnetic-strip-based signature-bearing identification cards the administration is touting to help with illegal immigration issues, which will also need to be issues to each citizen whenever they obtain a new job after the cards go into effect. He asserted that we could tell that these were not going to be used as nationwide identification cards because "it says 'this is not an identification card' right on the bottom of the card!"

Don't you feel assured now?

more than one Chappaquiddick

Since the questionable elections, Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy has been more vocal about the serious shortcomings of the Bush league. Predictably, right-wing miscreants have been making snide comments meant to insinuate that Mr. Kennedy has no ethics or morals, which they seem to feel is proven by pointing to a tragic, nearly forty year-old auto accident for which these pundits are upset there were no legal penalties.

I fail to understand why if that long-ago incident is so important, the same know-it-alls don't remind us of the early evening of November 6, 1963, when the future Laura Bush killed young Michael Douglas by running a stop sign and slamming into his Corvair at such a speed that he was ejected from the vehicle and broke his neck. No charges were filed, and the accident reports contained illegible entries effectively obscuring important information leading to reasonable speculation that the police were complicit in covering up the facts.


So, we can assume these same pundits feel that Laura Bush is on the same level of respectability as Ted Kennedy, right?

warning sticker

"This book contains material on faith. Religion is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origins of the universe. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully and critically considered."


You can put your stickers on my science textbooks the moment I can put this on your bibles.


Bravo to Judge Clarence Cooper of Atlanta for keeping science and superstition where they each belong.

running mate

I've already nominated Jon Stewart for President of the United States in 2008, and I've finally found the perfect Vice-President for him. Keith Olbermann. Although his wit and courage are reason enough, Keith sealed the deal on "Countdown" by smashing the fugly twunt "Talking Ann Coulter Doll" to bits on the corner of his desk. At last, fellow liberals with some testosterone!

help get the Enron money back

It appears that disgraced ex-Enron chief and Bush chum Ken Lay has published his own disinformation and propaganda website in hopes of rehabilitating his public image, and is using "sponsored links," meaning that he pays search engines like Google to be placed high in search results, usually a per-hit charge.

EVERYBODY in this country should search "Ken Lay" and "Enron" on Google as often as they can, and click the appropriate link. Every time you click it, "Kenny Boy" has to pony up some cash, regardless of who is searching or for what reason. Let's nickel-and-dime this thieving criminal bastard out of as much of his ill-gotten gains as we can.

I must be racist

According to fugly twunt Ann Coulter, people who think that Armstrong Williams deserved to lose his contract for accepting money to recite Bush administration propaganda are only picking on him because of his African ethnic origin. If thinking a repugnant hypocrite and prostituting conservative shill is a bad guy makes me a racist, call me klansman.

sorry about that, chief

After "accidentally" dropping a 500-pound bomb on the wrong house in Mosul, Iraq, leading to the death of either five or fourteen non-combatants (depending on whether you get your casualty information from the people who dropped the bomb or from those it fell on) the Bush military said that it "regrets the loss of possibly innocent lives."

"Possibly innocent."

buh-bye

Good riddance wishes to little Sucker Carlton, or "dick" as those who know him best address him as, on leaving "Crossfire." Don't you know, Tuckie, the people you are so desperately kissing up to think you're a ridiculous poofter too?

the other glove is dropping

New reports indicate that accused pedophile Michael Jackson had private nicknames for the young boy at the center of the present legal action, as well as for his brother. The nicknames?

"Blowhole" and "Doodoo-head."

What could be more innocent than sharing your bed with a child?

GROW SOME BALLS!

After watching more of the coverage of the electoral challenge today, one thing stands out above all others. The republicans are appallingly rude, dismissive, and derisive of their opposition. So many of these sanctimonious crooks made comments about the waste of time they were being forced to endure and how they were being put upon by crazed conspiracists, that you could almost put a melody to the recurring theme. Yet people like Obama, the presumed golden boy of the liberals, kept making all kinds of conciliatory statements to reflect their "bipartisanship," comments about how little w. actually did win the Ohio election legitimately (I though that was what they were supposed to determine, not what they were supposed to have a decision about before the debates) and they weren't disputing it, they just wanted to talk about broader aspects of the process.

What a bunch of tripe. No Bush supporters were reaching across any aisles today, they were full of self-righteous invective, and the people who should have been aggressively forcing explanations for the legitimate issues in the Conyers report were instead acting like beaten wives, afraid to upset their abusers by actually standing up them. These people just don't realize that the only way they will ever win an election again is not by trying to figure out how to win, it's by standing up for what is right and what is in the spirit of this land of the free. If they can't figure that out, it's really time for a new party. This one has lost its gonads.

not participating is participating

It pains me to beat up the people who tried to defeat Bush last year, but when they deserve it, they deserve it. FOX "News" today reported on today's challenge to the election results that it was "important to note" that John Kerry was not involved in today's challenge and was not even in the United States, but was instead visiting Iraq. Later on, they pointed out that Kerry's running mate, John Edwards, did not participate in the challenge either.

In other words, Mr. Kerry, by not having the balls to stand up for yourself, the people who smeared you so viciously have now successfully used the absence of you and your running mate today as an argument in favor of the legitimacy of the election. Many people will easily be duped by the "they aren't against us, so they must be with us" false dilemma of that line of reasoning. When are the liberals in this country going to realize that these people don't want to co-exist with us, they want to eliminate and exterminate all who disagree with them? For crying out loud, people, our very way of life is at stake, what more has to happen to get liberals to quit being doormats and stand up and fight for what is right?

lip-sinking

It will be most interesting to see if Ashlee Simpson's "musical" career survives her latest fiasco, the halftime show that had the entire stadium booing her wretched, off-the-beat, out-of-tune performance. Of course, the America that elects George Bush is easily fooled...

threes

And now, Pharoah. My gooseberry-eyes, pink-nose-leathers, freckle-butted friend forever. I will miss you so much.

This has been a hard week.

true colors - anything but green

It was announced today that Our Leader wrote letters to heads of state in many of the most tsunami-ravaged countries in which he offered his condolences and "prayers" to these dignitaries and their fellow countrymen. In a related story Scottie McClelland today announced that little w. has finally come through with his personal contributions for tsunami relief, and wrote out checks totalling about ten thousand dollars to send.

Wow. That's a lot of money. We should trim back on our national contribution now. I mean, that's exactly one fortieth of the four hundred thousand dollars that Georgie originally pledged to send. Or about three and a half weeks membership fees for the exclusive private tropical golf club to which he belongs. We all deserve a pat on the back for having such a wonderful, generous and compassionate man for president. Certainly shows those decadent liberal Hollywood types a thing or two, doesn't it? Sandra, Leo, Spielberg, you guys got nothin' on little w., so you may as well just give up and join the Republican party today. They have a mandate, remember?

strange turncoat of phrase

Today, a group of high-ranking U.S. military luminaries issued a public statement regarding their strong disagreement with the positions Attorney General candidate Albert Gonzales has taken regarding treatment of captured opponents and suspected opponents in our chimp-in-chief's war on everybody but his supporters. Just as they always do any time that someone criticizes the administration of little w., one of his flying monkeys, in this case hired ass-kisser Scottie McClelland came forward and reminded us that "these individuals are people that supported the campaign of the President's opponent. So let's keep that in mind when we're talking about these individuals."

Well, that sure is a lot easier than logically debating issues. That's just the same as saying "these people disagree with me, which of course discredits them," isn't it? How convenient it must be to live in a reality-free universe.

Thai one on

In one of the more ludicrous uses of "news" coverage of the tsunami tragedy comes the report that some of the displaced persons, including minors, are being kidnapped and "sold into the sex trade."

So, now they've finally figured out how to get Neil Bush to go over there.

urethra, I have found it!

I finally figured out who the exact personification of the Republican party is.

Eric Cartman of South Park.

going around in circles

Bye-bye little Nommieness. I'll remember you, Katie's baby.

closet queen of the damned

Fred Phelps is at it again. His website, which I will not be offering the URL to, has recently posted a wonderful example of christian compassion regarding the recent tsunami events, thanking his particular imaginary deity for killing 3,000 "vile" and "sodomite Americans" as a punishment for their transgressions. "America is awash in diseased fag feces and semen" screams the webpage.

It can't be much longer before Fred spontaneously combusts and is arrested for cavorting with nubile young men in an unseemly fashion. Anyone that obsessed with homosexuality is dragging some Buick-sized issues around with him, and he certainly wouldn't be the first self-styled holy man to demonstrate himself to be that which he so loudly declaims.

Of course, prison might be just the place to satisfy his secret cravings...

please don't throw us in...

No matter how they try to polish this privileged little turd, I doubt that the Republicans will actually end up supporting Jebbie for president in 2008 or for any other year. He comes off as personally querulous, timid, effete and pastily soft, and there's no way to butch him up enough for their base of bigots and rednecks to support him in only a couple of years. Truth is, the longer they bark up that little bonsai, the better the chances that they may waste enough time and resources to not really be able to post a powerful opponent in the next round of elections, and it just might behoove the Democrats to act like he's the briar patch of which they need to be frightened.

the plot thickens

With little w.'s re-emergence into the public eye today with a brief speech welcoming the new session of Congress, he may have inadvertently provided a bit of explanation for his conspicuous absence over the holidays.

He was overly made-up, puffy and pasty-faced, looked sweaty and seemed very unfocused, was having more than his usual verbal clarity issues, frequently grinding his teeth and licking his lips, and the entire left side of his face was droopy and lifeless.

In other words, the same exact Bush that showed up for the third presidential debate was back. This man is either sick or is ravaged by substance abuse. We deserve to know.

circle of life

Goodbye, Taz. Thanks for being my little friend.

hey, that other shoe is dropping

Several different reports have come to light lately, reports that indicate christian conservatives in this country are starting to become somewhat upset with our little w. It seems that now that he is ensconced in the presidency again he is backing away from some of the promises that he made to turn the country in a direction in accord with the dictates of their favored brand of superstition. The folks who helped him get "elected" are not happy that it seems he isn't quite as committed to their agenda of turning this country into a theocracy as he purports to be and is not in a big hurry to implement their agenda, being apparently more focused on accomplishing his own goal of achieving a never-ending war to benefit his wealthy friends in the military-industrial complex.

Imagine, these folks are just now realizing that George W. Bush is a liar who will say anything that he needs to further the agenda that he has been primed with by the neoconservative crew that he surrounds himself with. Of course, it was fine when the people that he was lying to before were the ones the religious conservatives disagreed with, but now that he's taken to lying to them, that seems to offend them. Isn't irony wonderful?