Nostradoofus predicts

In an early-morning press conference, President George W. Bush will raise the terror code to red and announce an immediate amphibious assault on Somalian seaports. The president declared that "we must fight the pirates over there so we don't have to fight them on the Great Lakes and the mighty Mississippi. We all know Washington, D.C., Boston, and New York City are situated on waterways and we must protect our decent folks from these scurvy buccaneers." The president's sentiments will be echoed by Vice President Dick Cheney, who will remind us that the British government has discovered that the pirates have been trying to purchase uranium "yellowcake" ore from Niger, and that it is vital that we stop the pirates now before proof of their intentions comes in the form of a mushroom cloud. Halliburton, Inc., has been given an emergency no-bid contract for three trillion dollars to develop the best anti-pirate defenses modern technology can create, as the president explained, it is widely known that Halliburton is the only company with the necessary piracy experience. The Homeland Security Department will announce they are prepared to distribute special anti-privateer duct tape and plastic wrap to protect citizen's homes from being boarded, and urges everyone to watch the Johnny Depp documentary about pirate behavior and language in order to keep America safe.

Now, please forget about Scooter, okay?