Sunday, February 12, 2006

stupid clucker

Vice-president Dick Cheney, who avoided combat with five deferments during the Viet Nam war because of his "other priorities" at the time, has finally become blooded. Cheney was said to have been "hunting quail" when he shot a 78 year-old man who got in the way. The man has been identified as an attorney, and although it is not confirmed, the victim is possibly named "Fitzsimmons" or "Fitzcarraldo" or "Fitzgerald," or something like that.

Witnesses at the scene are privately reporting that Cheney, who had promptly painted his forehead and cheeks with the blood of his quarry, had to be physically restrained from "humanely" finishing off his kill so that he could gut him and have him mounted in a lifelike pose. Informed sources state that the wounded man has been determined to be linked to Saddam Hussein, Al Quaeda, and Barack Obama, and that this manly display of courage on Cheney's part has actually saved a tall building in a major American city from being destroyed and could not have been accomplished without Bush's patriotic "Terrorist Surveillance Program."

In a related story, Mr. Cheney has been scheduled to receive a Medal of Freedom from George W. Bush for his fearless defense of the homeland in a ceremony next week while Joe "I'm not Henry Gibson, goddammit" Lieberman maternally applauds Their Holinesses. It is expected by the administration that this exhibition of machismo will finally dispel the totally undeserved "chickenhawk" reputation that has for some strange reason followed Mr. Cheney around for over thirty years.

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